Breakable, breakable

I thought I was breaking your heart,

but it was you who broke mine.

And it was silly to think, because you’re a city and

I am just a blip on your massive timeline.

I am just a human. I am nothing to you.

I didn’t even etch a single mark into you.

You are a collection of age old buildings and cobblestones.

You have survived great wars.

I am a collection of breakable, breakable bones

and skin that’s so easy to tear.

I haven’t survived anything.

You became my favorite place in the world and I was easily forgotten.

Advertisements

January 3, 2017

It snowed on New Years

At midnight, flakes fell

Clockwork

They blanketed the New Year in white

Sparkling and clean

People danced in the street

Lit flames against the indigo night

Kissed with snowflakes in their hair

 

Days passed and the snow stuck

Only to the grass and rooftops

Ice dangling from the tree branches

And topping off fences

It’s no longer soft and new

But on the third of January

It’s only fitting

 

The snow is an almost desperate reminder

Of clean slates

New starts

But as the days wear on

The snow is stamped down and mixed with dirt

Looking dejected

 

The snow will melt if the temperature ever rises

And when January turns over

Where will we find a reminder of hope

Nothing But Nostalgia

Nothing But Nostalgia

I miss the Romance of European cities. Maybe more than the cities themselves.

I miss Paris and Amsterdam and Berlin. I don’t miss them in the same way I miss London because they were never home.

I miss these other cities in a superficial way. I miss the foreign languages and the new food, the museums and the history. I miss Paris’ light in the winter and Amsterdam’s bicycles and Berlin’s pockmarked walls. I miss thrift stores that are cramped and old and full of unusual silhouettes. I miss the monuments.

I miss the way I felt, exploring new places, tasting stories. I even miss being annoyed at my parents in the way only traveling creates. I miss drinking champagne and eating artisanal truffles on my sixteenth birthday.

I miss walking ancient streets, noticing the sunlight in a new way. The light is different in every city.

I’m romanticizing; Paris is dirty and Amsterdam is sinking and Berlin is crumbling. But I drew and I walked and I wrote.

I miss the cities I see in photographs. In an intimate but distant way. It is not an ache, it’s only a twinge, but it runs through the roots I grew halfway across the globe.

img_6572The monuments,img_4754the light,img_6566the museums,img_4842the ancient streets,img_4844the creating,img_4828and the history.

 

 

In Light of Recent Events

I went to bed last night before results had been posted. I went to bed with a little bit of hope, kept alight by disbelief in what the polls were clearly beginning to show. I woke up this morning with devastation in my heart. I stayed in bed for over an hour, crying with my covers pulled up to my chin. I felt the disbelief and fear that I see on the faces of neighbors, family and peers. My feelings today are comparable only to the feelings I had after the tragic shooting in Orlando. And, as I did after that event earlier this year, I combatted my feelings with creativity.

Every Wednesday, I am lucky enough to work through a company that teaches arts and craft classes to elementary schoolers. In this class, I have seventeen wonderful young girls. Today I could only think about them. Because they didn’t get to see a woman break the ultimate glass ceiling in America this morning. Instead, they saw a man who is the epitome of a schoolyard bully be given the highest title the United States has to offer. These bright girls have so much growing that will be done over the next four years, with some of them even starting high school as the next four years come to a close. As of this moment, it’s difficult to say how much will really change. But the election of Donald Trump into office, coupled with the steadily declining state of the environment, doesn’t leave me with much hope. These girls are smart, funny and excited. They’re eager to make something new. One of them told me that even though she isn’t very good at art, even though artistic abilities don’t “run in her family,” she still loves to create. I am mostly worried because they are girls, and some of them are girls of color. They aren’t yet aware of what either of those things might mean for them in the future, and I worry about how soon they may have to become aware. If I have these feelings of fear for a group of girls I have only known for a few months, I can barely imagine how parents are feeling today.

I decided that today was going to be full of the little things that bring me joy. I realized a few minutes into writing this that all those little things are creative. I taught a class a lesson on Native American culture and the importance of Indigenous Peoples’ Day before painting canvases with images of thunder birds. I came home and sang to myself, just playing through the songs I’ve memorized on guitar and ukulele. After dinner I made two batches of double chocolate cookies and danced to Frank Sinatra. Many people went to rallies, all across the country. They are wonderful and brave and strong for that. What I did today was insignificant in a big picture way. But I feel a little better eating cookie dough and listening to Fly Me To the Moon. And I feel better after writing down my thoughts here, preparing to share them with my small slice of the world.

Despite my efforts, I’m still crying.

Stars, Sparks and Lightning

A year ago I received a nomination on the shortlist for the first annual BBC Young Writer’s Award. The story below is what I submitted, but not exactly. Even though this piece is what got me my first recognition as a writer outside of my family or school, it continues to change. Every time I go back to it, a change something. Usually it’s just a word, a synonym that fits better than the original. This short story represents, to me, the writing process. Nothing can really ever be complete. Also, admittedly, I’m trying to relive my glory days.

Stars, Sparks and Lighting

Persephone is all sharp lines and cat-like reflexes, inured from decades of mean Russian dance teachers and days on pointed toes. Her voice is as sweet as lavender syrup, conditioned into a soaring soprano through years with voice coaches and musical directors. She glides where I stumble. All the time I’ve spent in the kitchen has made me soft, like the butter I eat too much of, rounding my edges into gentle curves.

The night we met, I was catering with an hors d’oeuvres company. It was a job I hated. I didn’t want to be offering artisanal cheese puffs to sweaty people in black tie. The rooms were always too small, and the odor of hundreds of nervous socialites hung in the air. Persephone was already doing what she loved. She was performing. This night it was with a jazz band set up in the corner, playing Armstrong and Basie. I like music as much as the next girl, but something about Persephone was bewitching. I couldn’t help but stop and watch. Her large eyes were closed, the lids shrouded in dark shadows, and a slinky black dress draped off her sinewy frame. I could smell her perfume, something deep, with hints of sandalwood and musk, coming towards me in small waves as her chest heaved with “Learnin’ the Blues”. I stood, neglecting my cheese puffs, to listen to Persephone croon. It was as though the music possessed her, flowing out of her fingertips and the perfect O of her petal pink mouth. She finished the song, and kept her eyes closed until the band played the last flourishing note. She finally looked up, her nails already tapping out the next song on her thigh, to see me obviously staring. Our eyes connected, and Persephone winked. I turned bright red, hurrying away to replenish my platter and continue the rounds.

I was packing away dishes at the end of the night, when Persephone approached me. “Hey,” she stood with her hands on her hips, towering over me as I kept my head bowed and my hands busy with plates and boxes.

“Hi. Is everything all right? Were the mushroom turnovers too mediocre? Any complaints will have to be taken up with my boss,” I told her, flicking my head towards the fat man smoking outside the door.

“No, actually, I wanted to talk to you,” she said. I kept my eyes focused on her bouncing feet.

“I’m sorry I stared at you earlier,” my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

“Oh! Don’t worry at all. I find it flattering… I was going to ask you if you were hungry.”

I closed the top to the last box. “I could eat,” I stood with my arms crossed.

“I wanted to see if you’d like to join me for Vietnamese food once you’re done here,” she smiled, and looked down at me through her thick lashes.

“Really?” I was skeptical.

“Yeah. Why not? You seem nice, and I’m tired of eating alone.”

“That’s very sweet of you,” I told her.

“Do you have a car? The place is a bit of a ways, and the band already left with the van. I was counting on you saying yes,” her wide grey eyes crinkled hopefully.

“Yeah, it’s the Volvo out back,” I reached for my bag. We stood uncomfortably for a moment. “We can go,” I urged, leading her out the door.

My station wagon waited for us in the parking lot. We got in, Persephone shifting the seat to fit her statuesque frame. I started the car, wondering what this stunning girl was doing in my passenger seat. She looked confusedly around at the lavender that cluttered the dashboard and hung on the windows. She pointed at it saying, “Is this some sort of vampire repellant?” Out of the corner of my eye I saw her smirking at me.

“Breathe in,” I told her.

She raised an eyebrow, but I nodded, inhaling deeply. Persephone followed. I could feel the sweetness of dried lavender filling my nose.

“Nice. Air freshener,” she said.

“Yeah,” I agreed, smiling slightly. “I like things to smell nice,” I admitted. We drove in silence for a little, down the interstate, Persephone humming quietly to herself as I focused on the road.

 

Sister, Sister

She stands taller than the rest of her small family, not quite towering, but with more of a poised presence. Most people seem alarmed, offended, frightened even, when a stranger tells them that their beauty is almost otherworldly. But she’s magnetic. With the kind of lips that are easily described as pillowy. Smooth, perfectly bronzed skin and small, dark eyes covered by expensive lilac tinted shades. In between her grey crop top and light wash shorts, is the small of her back, the space covering her spine a valley. Wrapped around her hourglass waist is a thin arm. The arm of a younger girl, wearing mascara and matte pink lipstick but navy blue overalls covered in multicolored hearts. Her legs are bronzed, but in a less calculated way than her sisters, still covered in the dark peach fuzz of youth. Tanned, not from lying on beach towels and turning every hour, but from full days spent running under the sun. Her hair falls in long, ebony ringlets from underneath a backwards baseball cap. The gorgeous hair that her sister traded in for permed straight locks and pin striped highlights.

They’re both arresting; beautiful, brown and soft. One is painfully aware of that. The other clings lovingly to her arm, laughing at everything she says and looking up at her with eyes full of awe.

Dear London

Dear London,

I know our time together is almost up, so I just wanted to say thank you. These past two years have not been easy. But I have acquired a whole host of opportunities I would never have been presented with in my hometown. I’ve visited places I never thought I’d see, had my writing recognized by the BBC, met people who have shaped my life and changed it for good. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m doing what I do best and hiding behind my words. I’m feeling pulled back home. Seattle is where I need to be next year, so it’s where I’m going.

I want you to know, London, that this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. You’ve made this place the best home I could have asked for. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.

I am leaving with new passions, amazing stories to tell, and a total thing for British accents. And this isn’t goodbye forever. When people ask where I’m from, you’ll be as much part of the answer as Seattle. Because London is where I learned and changed almost as much in the last two years as I did in the previous fifteen.

Much love,

Clare

P.S. I’m sorry for all the cliches

P.P.S. I’m sorry